CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- One of my favorite things about holidays, especially Christmas and birthdays, is gift giving. I love trying to pick out gifts that will amuse and/or help people while also fitting their personalities. In the spirit of that, I now present my seventh annual Idiot Box character gift guide:
Jesse, "Breaking Bad": A whole case of Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty. It's essentially magnetic silly putty, and we all know how much Jesse likes magnets. Plus, it's called Crazy Aaron's, and Jesse is played by actor Aaron Paul.
Alex and Dave, "Happy Endings": A nice set of dining room chairs for their new place. This way, when they host another Thanksgiving dinner or fancy get-together, someone won't have to sit in the sex swing, er "ergonomic work hammock." And I'd wrap it in lots and lots of paper to satisfy Alex's wrapping paper obsession.
Kenneth, "30 Rock": A consultation with a matchmaking service. He's down in the dumps because Hazel dumped him, but she was such a horrible person, he's better off without her. He's so sweet he deserves someone who cares about him for him and not for what he might be able to do for her career.
The Governor, Judith and Hershel, "The Walking Dead": I have gifts for each of them, but since they're all from the same show, I'm grouping them together for the purpose of this list.
First, I'd get The Governor a life-size doll since he's needs something new to dote on now. Next, I'd get Judith some onesies personalized with Daryl's nickname for her: little ass kicker. Finally, for Hershel, I'd get him a prosthetic leg, obviously. With his medical skills, he'll play an important part in taking care of Judith, so we need to keep him around as long as possible -- and it'll be a lot easier to run from walkers on two legs.
James Van Der Beek, "Don't Trust the B-- in Apartment 23": His own mirror ball trophy. Since his accidentally drugged tea led to his disastrous performance and elimination in Week 1 of "Dancing with the Stars," he didn't get a chance to go head-to-head with Dean Cain for top honors. Plus, it might help to soothe some of his humiliation (though his Hamptons bender went a long way in doing that).
Anne, "Go On": An extreme weekend adventure. She's wound so tightly, but as we saw when she went to wine country with Ryan, she's capable of loosening up -- she just sometimes needs a nudge to do so. I'll book her a bungee jump and a paraglide, kitesurfing lessons, a canopy tour with ziplining and an afternoon of rock climbing to really shake her out of her current morose routine.
Catherine, "Hawaii Five-0": A living room of flowers. Seriously, I'm talking dozens upon dozens of roses, lilies and tulips, plus every kind of arrangement the florist can think of -- enough to fill her entire living room. Then, I'd sign the card from Steve. He frequently abuses their relationship for work favors, after all, so he needs to do something to make it up to her.
Stella, "Modern Family": A giant box full of toys and treats. She's used to being daddy's girl and having him dote on her, so she's going to be in for a rude awakening when his time soon becomes devoted to his newborn child.
Oliver and Thea and Felicity Smoak, "Arrow": A weekend getaway in California's Half Moon Bay (the fictional Starling City isn't far from there) for Oliver and Thea, and self-defense lessons for Felicity.
The siblings are having a hard time reconnecting since Oliver's been home. She has yet to let go of the party lifestyle she adopted in his absence, and he, of course, has an unreliable schedule thanks to his crime-fighitng alter ego. They clearly still love each other, though, so maybe a weekend away -- without parties, bad guys or other family drama to distract them -- they'll be able to start to really repair their relationship.
Also, Felicity is digging into some dangerous territory researching Moira's mysterious actions for Walter, so she may soon need to defend herself from bad people. I'd get her a private instructor so she can fit the classes into her schedule where they best fit.
Charlie, "Revolution": Cosmetic surgery to cover the Monroe Republic insignia branded onto her wrist when she was on the militia ship. Not only is the brand unsightly, which might cause her some anxiety over her appearance, but it's also dangerous since, as rebels, she and her crew will likely continue having to rely on some decidedly anti-Republic folks for help. Also, I'd get her a collection of chunky bracelets and wrist cuffs if she wants to hide any scarring that may occur.
Henry and David, "Once Upon a Time": Camping gear. Now that David/Charming knows that he's Henry's grandfather, they've been bonding this season - especially when Snow and Emma were trapped in the fairytale world. What better way for boys to bond then a weekend camping in the woods?
Kelly Severide, "Chicago Fire": A personal masseur. Since he seems to have no intention of getting his neck injury fixed anytime soon (because he would have to go on extended disability), this might help relieve some of the pain without him having to resort to illegal pain meds so often.
Series premiere: "Six Little McGhees," 9 p.m. Saturday, OWN (raising 2-year-old sextuplets).
Season premiere: "Beyond Scared Straight," 10 p.m. Thursday, A&E.
Series finales: "Jersey Shore," 10 p.m. Thursday, MTV; "Unsupervised," 11:30 p.m. today, FX.
Season finales: "The X Factor," 8 p.m. Thursday, Fox; "Burn Notice," 9 p.m. Thursday, USA; "The Real Housewives of Miami," 9 p.m. Thursday, Bravo; "The League," 11 p.m. Thursday, FX; "Rizzoli & Isles," 9 p.m. Tuesday, TNT.
Specials: "Back to the Beginning with Christiane Amanpour," 9 p.m. Friday, ABC (exploration in the Middle East of the origins of Christianity, Judaism and Islam; part one of two); "The Year in Pup Culture," 9 p.m. Saturday, Animal Planet (puppies reenact memorable 2012 moments); "Kennedy Center Honors," 9 p.m. Wednesday, CBS (honorees include Dustin Hoffman, David Letterman).
Christmas specials: "A White House Christmas: First Families Remember," 8 p.m. Thursday, NBC; "CMA Country Christmas," 9 p.m. Thursday, ABC; "Prep & Landing 2: Naughty vs. Nice," 8 p.m., and "A Chipmunk Christmas," 8:30 p.m. Saturday, ABC; "It's a Wonderful Life," 8 p.m., and "Christmas Eve at St. Peter's Basilica in Rome," 11:35 p.m. Monday, NBC; 24 hours of "A Christmas Story," 8 p.m. Monday, TBS; "Disney Prep and Landing," 8 p.m., and "Shrek the Halls," 8:30 p.m. Monday, ABC; "Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade," 10 a.m. and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," 8 p.m. Tuesday, ABC (followed by the terrible live-action version).
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