CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- With Christmas on Wednesday, it's time once again for my annual character gift guide. For the past seven years, I've given theoretical gifts to my favorite fictional characters. Here are this year's recipients:
• Jesse Pinkman, "Breaking Bad": A trip to Belize. No, really. He's had a rough time this year; he deserves a nice vacation.
• Chris Traeger, "Parks and Recreation": The Baby Bullet by Magic Bullet. Chris is a health nut, and he's consumed with the idea of being a perfect dad to his and Ann's baby-to-be. With the Baby Bullet, he can combine the two obsessions and make his own 100 percent organic, ultra-healthy baby food.
• Judith Grimes, "The Walking Dead": A Baby Bjorn. When we last saw Judith, she was being carried in a car seat carrier, and while that's roomier and sturdier, let's face it, it's a little bulky when you're on the run from hordes of the undead. This way, her dad -- or whoever -- can strap her to his chest and still have his hands free to wield a weapon.
• John Munch, "Law & Order: SVU": The "Illuminatus!" and "Schrödinger's Cat" trilogies. Munch loves conspiracy theories, and now that he's retired, he'll have plenty of time to relax and enjoy these novels, which weave together a number of different conspiracy theories.
• Kate Harrison, "Trophy Wife": A locking liquor cabinet. Kate will freely admit she likes her alcohol. This way, she can still indulge but also keep all the kids away from the alcohol so there's not a repeat of Burt's absinthe assistance with her Christmas Eve Glogg, and Warren and Hillary won't be able to give in to temptation or peer pressure - at home, anyway. (They are teenagers, after all.)
• Ichabod Crane, "Sleepy Hollow": A copy of "The Oxford Encyclopedia of the Modern World." Sure it would be cheaper and less cumbersome to get him a laptop and Internet connection, but let's face it, he's still a little unsettled by modern technology. This way, he can get up to speed in a way that's more familiar and less intimidating to him. Baby steps.
• Jake, Boyle, Terry and Gina, "Brooklyn Nine-Nine": All the costumes and props necessary to re-enact the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" video. Even though Jake's idol, old-school crime reporter Jimmy Brogan, turned out to be pretty awful, he loves that era of cops, and frankly, re-creating this iconic video just seems like something he'd do. Boyle, of course, would be on board because he's on board with everything Jake does, and even though Captain Holt, Santiago and probably Diaz would have absolutely nothing to do with it, I figure Terry and Gina would be game to participate.
• Kimmie, Marika and Helen-Alice, "Super Fun Night": A karaoke machine. Really, as much as they like to sing (Kimmie, especially), it's unbelievable that they don't already have one.
Thursday: "Charlie Brown Christmas," 8 p.m., ABC; "Saturday Night Live Christmas," 9 p.m., NBC; "Pawn Stars: A Very Vegas Christmas," 9 p.m., History; "A Very Merry Gypsy Christmas," 10 p.m., TLC.