CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- While this can be a joyous time of year, it does come with a certain amount of stress. How many times have you heard "Are you ready for the holidays?" And how have you answered?

Ready is relative, isn't it? In most cases it refers to the "to do" list of presents, cards, decorations, baking, putting up the tree, the holiday programs at school and church, travel plans, entertaining, etc. I doubt many folks are inquiring about our emotional status or spiritual state of mind.

If we're not careful, we get caught up in all the external expectations. And the pressure to get it all done. Which can lead to feelings of coming up short.

But who's doing the measuring? It's likely it's that internal critic we all have. This time of year I visualize mine wearing a green eyeshade and calculating how naughty or nice I am by how many things I'm crossing off my list!

But how much does all that matter? How much power are we giving away by allowing that inner critic -- or those around us -- to define us?

Norman Rockwell doesn't have the corner on the market when it comes to traditions. And, as I'm fond of saying, "'Leave It to Beaver' left." I don't know about you, but I can certainly get through the season without a single dose of figgy pudding (although my best-friend-since-kindergarten, Patty Johnston, and I really like to sing about it). Some of my friends decided to have crab cakes on Thanksgiving instead of turkey -- and thoroughly enjoyed them. Who knew?

It can actually be empowering to think of something new we'd like to include in the holiday season. Maybe it's dropping off a scarf and pair of gloves at one of the shelters that do such great work. Maybe it's something private you don't share with others. Lighting a candle for those who have departed -- and reflecting on what they've meant to you.

It could be something as simple as curling up with your cat, dog or yourself -- sipping a cup of hot tea and reading a story aloud. Or popping in a video or DVD of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" or "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." (There's nothing like watching the Griswolds to make you feel much more accomplished!) The point is the freedom you derive from setting your own course.

Rituals like these can keep us calm in the midst of the storm. If you have tension in your extended family (and who doesn't?), you're likely anticipating how things will go this year. How many times do we set ourselves up for disappointment -- thinking those gatherings will be different? While Hallmark movies are great, they don't always mirror reality.

Let's face it, the only thing you can change about those tense dynamics is the way you choose to react. It helps to think ahead and to prepare some coping mechanisms. I'll pull out two of my all-time favorite tools from the book "The Four Agreements." The author, Don Miguel Ruiz, cautions that we could save ourselves a lot of heartache by following two simple principles:

While these sound so simple -- and they are -- I'm always amazed at how many times they've come to my rescue. When that comment is made around the dinner table that you just know is directed at you, you have a choice to let it roll off your back or to engage in a heated discussion. It can then become a battle of standing your ground or caving in.

Here's the deal. When we recognize it's a choice, that frees us from the bonds of captivity in these situations. When I stop to think of these two principles, it often defuses these encounters. Maybe the speaker didn't direct the comment at me, and it just ended up pushing my buttons. Or, the remark wasn't intended to be critical; that's just the way I took it. And even if it was intended, I can "win" by making my own choice of how to respond -- or not.

Here's my favorite "golden rule" for stopping any argument in its tracks. It's certainly worth repeating this time of year, and it's a way to claim your ground without conceding to any point of view. It holds the space for the speaker -- and takes away the ammunition that may continue to fuel the fire.

Four magic words: "You may be right."

Think about this. You don't admit that he or she is right. You just acknowledge the possibility. Most people just want to be heard, and the stronger the reaction they get, the blusterier they get. Try this, it works wonders.

There's another noncommittal phrase that helps to create a buffer in tense situations: "I hadn't thought of it like that." Again, this doesn't mean you're caving in; it's just a neutral statement that can be a show-stopper.

Here's another tip. Plan some brief getaway maneuvers throughout these extended visits -- walk the dog, retreat to the bedroom to read something inspirational or to listen to a favorite song on your iPod, or even make more frequent trips to the bathroom. Anything that will help you get centered.

Returning to the topic of traditions, my husband, John, and I have a simple one we share every year. We pull out an old magazine cover we had laminated years ago and put it up on our mantel. The photo is a child gazing out a window at a snowy scene, and the words speak volumes:

"We wish you twinkling lights, glistening snow, the aroma of cookie smells, a child to play with, a dog to pet -- and the hope of answered prayers."

Linda Arnold, MBA, is a certified wellness instructor and chairwoman/CEO of The Arnold Agency, a marketing communications firm specializing in advertising, public relations, government relations and interactive marketing. Reader comments may be directed to Linda Arnold, The Arnold Agency, 117 Summers St., Charleston, WV 25301, or e-mailed to livelifefu...@arnoldagency.com.