CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Dear Santa Claus,
I don't want anything for Christmas.
Christmas is for kids, and I did all my shopping in August and squirreled it away. I am really focused on making it good for the kids and yourself. I am just an instrument of God's peace on Jesus' birthday.
But if I thought THAT JAPANESE PEARL NECKLACE FROM C.F. REUSCHLEIN'S in Huntington was under the tree, it might make me feel a little better. But it's really not necessary at all.
Don't even LAY IT AWAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY. I will just be the only woman in town we know without a string of serious pearls.
This is a religious holiday. It's not about material things.
And I said Japanese pearls, not Chinese pearls. There is a difference and everybody knows it, and if YOU don't know the difference, Google it.
Anyway, I don't have a daughter to leave the pearls to, and it will just be something else for my sons' future ex-wives to fight about.
I also realize I will be up at 3 a.m. on Christmas Day, having stayed up all night wrapping meticulously to make everything perfect for everyone while wearing ORTHOPEDIC SHOES. I will be cooking and dragging things out of the garage in the middle of the night, all night, getting everything ready while you read "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
I also realize Christmas Day is going to be the year's ultimate scream and shriek fest, making my head explode. But I have a Valium for that. It's OK. In fact, Christmas Day is the only day of the year when anyone really needs a Valium at 6:30 a.m.
I know that I will be so delighted to see the sheer joy on everyone's faces as I pick up all the garbage, cook and wash dishes all day.