CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- After weeks of being barraged with stories about corporate cutbacks and cost-saving measures, I thought it might be interesting to play boss for a bit. To those who have been grumbling over how bad things are at work now, consider how much worse it could be...
MEMO TO STAFF:
In these difficult times, it has become necessary for businesses across our great country to make drastic cuts in staffing and benefits. Since our company had already cut to the bone, it was difficult to find additional areas where expenses could be reduced and new revenue generated. Fortunately, we have creative-minded individuals at our helm, and they have compiled the following initiatives.
Before we address these changes, however, management would like to apologize for any discomfort caused to our staff during the recent installation of coin-operated mechanisms on company restroom stalls. We greatly appreciate your patience (and your quarters!).
With regard to these mechanisms, some complaints have been received about the quarter-per-usage charge being exorbitant. Considering that soap and paper towels continue to be made available at no extra cost, we feel the price is within reason. Please note that routine mopping of company bathroom floors has been discontinued until employees cease the practice of crawling under stall doors to avoid paying the toll. (And remember - letting someone in after you're finished is the same as cheating the company out of a quarter. Don't be a thief!)
Those with access to company vehicles are hereby notified that we will no longer reimburse employees for the cost of washing company cars. While clean fleet vehicles remain as important as ever, we suggest staff members keep their company vehicles in spotless condition by making use of gas station squeegees.
Also, in lieu of continuing our company's contract with Orkin, each department has been assigned its own cat. Management asks that staff members refrain from feeding these cats as it will decrease their efficiency with vermin removal.
It should be noted that an instructional memorandum has been posted in the cafeteria that offers a number of helpful suggestions for how staff members can reframe the recent killings of a dozen of our co-workers by a disgruntled former employee.
"It's a tragedy these people are no longer with us," said our president, "but hard as it is to accept, the end result is a leaner, stronger company." He also stated that the 12 vacant positions will not be filled at this time.
On the revenue-generating front, Cuss Jars have been placed in each department with fines set according to the level of foulness assigned to each word. Bad Habit Jars will also be placed around the building once agreement can be reached on whether or not ass-kissing qualifies as a bad habit. (Typist's note: If it qualifies, our company should be profitable again in no time.)
Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with our company's new pay system, which was inspired by our state's mining history. Effective immediately, 25 percent of each employee's weekly pay will be issued in company scrip, redeemable at our company store located on the first floor. Next to the new coin-operated elevator.
Reach Karin Fuller at karinful...@cnpapers.com.