CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Some of you will hate me for what I have to say, but stick with me a bit before you start calling me names.
I started my Christmas shopping.
Yep. September wasn't even half over before I put my first little checkmark next to a name on my list. And yep, I'm feeling all pious and smug about it.
It's my earliest ever. Most years I don't even have a list made up until pumpkins and candy corn have been marked down to half-price. Used to be I considered it against principle to shop until after Thanksgiving. But I'm older and wiser now, mindful of the outrageous prices I'll pay for those last-minute, that'll-have-to-be-good-enough gifts that I'm embarrassed to give.
The past few years, I've managed to get my act together just enough to order exactly one gift early. I've found that getting an early jump on the shopping can be downright intoxicating -- and the inebriation can be so potent it lingers until the shelves are picked bare, until nothing but the Steve Jobs Chia Heads and the least desirable Snuggi colors remain.
This year will be different. I not only have a list and a game plan, I've also programmed messages into my computer's calendar to periodically remind me whose gift I'm to find.
(While I was at it, I typed in a bunch of random compliments to myself, so I can be working away at my computer and a message will appear on my screen saying, "That's a really nice color on you" or "Have you lost weight?")
Hoping to inspire others to join in my quest to shop early and often this year, I thought I'd share a few gift ideas I ran across that might work for those friends and family members who are especially difficult to shop for.
For instance, who doesn't have at least one pickle enthusiast on their shopping list? At PerpetualKid.com, you can purchase a six-pack of Bob's Pickle Pops frozen pickle treats for just $6.99.
According to the item description, "Each pickle is squeezed right down to the skin and then the brine and pickle guts get liquefied and made into one heck of a tasty treat."
And only 6 calories per pop!
CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Some of you will hate me for what I have to say, but stick with me a bit before you start calling me names.
I started my Christmas shopping.
Yep. September wasn't even half over before I put my first little checkmark next to a name on my list. And yep, I'm feeling all pious and smug about it.
It's my earliest ever. Most years I don't even have a list made up until pumpkins and candy corn have been marked down to half-price. Used to be I considered it against principle to shop until after Thanksgiving. But I'm older and wiser now, mindful of the outrageous prices I'll pay for those last-minute, that'll-have-to-be-good-enough gifts that I'm embarrassed to give.
The past few years, I've managed to get my act together just enough to order exactly one gift early. I've found that getting an early jump on the shopping can be downright intoxicating -- and the inebriation can be so potent it lingers until the shelves are picked bare, until nothing but the Steve Jobs Chia Heads and the least desirable Snuggi colors remain.
This year will be different. I not only have a list and a game plan, I've also programmed messages into my computer's calendar to periodically remind me whose gift I'm to find.
(While I was at it, I typed in a bunch of random compliments to myself, so I can be working away at my computer and a message will appear on my screen saying, "That's a really nice color on you" or "Have you lost weight?")
Hoping to inspire others to join in my quest to shop early and often this year, I thought I'd share a few gift ideas I ran across that might work for those friends and family members who are especially difficult to shop for.
For instance, who doesn't have at least one pickle enthusiast on their shopping list? At PerpetualKid.com, you can purchase a six-pack of Bob's Pickle Pops frozen pickle treats for just $6.99.
According to the item description, "Each pickle is squeezed right down to the skin and then the brine and pickle guts get liquefied and made into one heck of a tasty treat."
And only 6 calories per pop!
The gift-giving season offers the opportunity to gently share a potential remedy with those who experience unpleasant personal exhaust problems.
For just $11.95, you can purchase a box of five delicately packaged 3.25-inch-square fabric filters that have been treated with activated carbon to neutralize odors. Adhesive strips enable the patches to be strategically adhered to undergarments prior to attending chili cook-off events.
To order, visit SolutionsThatStick.com and search for "Subtle Butt."
Who can be tougher to shop for than those hell-bent on nothing less than world domination?
Not to worry. Amazon.com has just the thing: uranium ore.
Imagine the expression of pure glee on your favorite little lunatic's face when they unwrap the gift that's been mysteriously glowing through the wrapper from under the tree.
Packaged in an easy-to-open and most attractive metal container, the product boasts a shelf life of 4.468 billion years. A little-known bonus for those purchasing uranium ore is its amazing properties as a tooth whitener, although such use generally results in the teeth no longer remaining in the mouth.
Uranium ore gift recipients should be cautioned to heed the warnings that this product is not to be used as a lubricant. And unfortunately, Amazon's Prime Free Two-Day Shipping does not apply on orders shipped to the Middle East.
If I actually manage to succeed at finishing my shopping early this year, it might result in something I hadn't thought of before. It just might make all those on my shopping list suddenly appreciative for all those lame gifts they received in previous years.
Reach Karin Fuller at karinful...@gmail.com.
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