Even magazines and newspapers aren't quick reads for me. I'm a sucker for headlines, lured by those brief, well-chosen word combinations that have been cleverly cast to summarize and attract.

But many also deceive. Especially the headlines in women's magazines.

The current issue of Good Housekeeping has an article titled "How to Fake a Clean House." It's a good thing pages can't catch fire from being flipped fast. Our household includes three dogs, two cats, two rabbits and three pigs (the latter being of the bacon-consuming, not producing, variety), so keeping our place tidy enough for guests to drop by with less than three weeks' notice isn't something we've mastered.

But get this. The article's methods for faking a clean house involved actual cleaning.

Seems a bit deceiving, don't you think?

To save time, they recommend you "Skip the oven." Who cleans the oven before company comes? The Witch from Hansel & Gretel might have reason to keep hers spic and span, but as a guest in other homes, I've not once felt compelled to poke my head in the oven. I trust my company will also refrain, tempting though it may be.

While in a waiting room, I was flipping through Redbook magazine when I saw an article promising advice on "How to Match Your Makeup to Your Mood." I was intrigued, as I've always believed the general rule was simple.

Makeup = approachable.

No makeup = approach with great care (and/or chocolate).

If there's ever a time when my actions, facial expressions, body language or tone of voice fail to express whether I'm feeling flirty, romantic, professional or homicidal, the color of eyeliner I've chosen isn't going to provide much of a clue.

These magazines would be providing more of a service by featuring tips on how to cover one's mood, as there are likely more women wanting to know how to conceal feeling exhausted, hormonal, unappreciated or stern.

Another article promised to reveal "43 Ways to Look Younger."

I expected tip number one to be "Get much older friends." Instead, it suggested you should "Plump up your lips."

I'm not sure how plump lips make a person look younger, unless perhaps they've been plumped to the point where the weight of the lips pulls the face down until the wrinkles are tight.

The article also suggested keeping your "eye cream in the refrigerator for a quick under-eye depuffing." Using that kind of thinking, just imagine how bright-eyed and alert you could look by storing suppositories in the freezer.

Although I doubt the cure to my woes can be found under a clever headline between the pages of some magazine, until I master reading faster, I guess I'll never know.

Reach Karin Fuller at karinful...@gmail.com.