CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- While doing one of those vague online searches -- trying to find just the right word for something I had in my head, but couldn't define -- I landed on a definition (at humorbin.com) that I found so funny I simply had to share it. Considering that my daughter will turn 14 on Saturday, it seems appropriate to dedicate this definition in honor of her teen years.
"TEENAGER (noun): A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS).
"Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food and responsibility.
"The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments that slide off their backsides and look ridiculous. Females sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their approval by staring at the display.
"The call of the female is complex and shrill, while males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
"Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears for an average of six hours a day. The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to jarring electronic signals from radios.
"Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, mumbling, and sighing."
As most online searches of this type tend to inspire, more extensive research commenced.