CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- The excuse felt every bit as feeble as claiming the dog ate my homework, which -- in my world -- wouldn't be too far-fetched.

I was working out of town last week, which is something I'd never had the opportunity to do. I loved most every minute of it; even the minutes (many of them) spent walking in sweltering heat.

The only minutes I didn't like were the ones spent retracing my steps.

My day job -- the one that had me working out of town -- kept me hopping all day. I finally returned to my room, intent on writing my column about this charming woman I'd met. But after struggling for an hour or so with a laptop so ancient its keypad featured Roman numerals, I ended up walking more than a mile on the hottest day of the week to retrieve the office laptop from our venue. It was a hassle, but better than dealing with my antique autocorrect changing "the" to "thou."

I'm not a fast writer, so it was late at night before the column was finished. Not wanting to save a personal file to the office computer, I saved to my flash drive.

Which I lost somewhere between my room and the business center.

Considering that it's small enough to get sucked into a vacuum cleaner without sounding much different than a penny, I don't hold out much hope for its return, though I still left word at the desk just in case.

Once I was home again, I decided it wouldn't hurt to place a notice on a few online lost-and-found sites, and ran across some entertaining postings while there.

Beneath the word "MISSING!!!" was a hand-drawn sketch of a bike with the disclaimer, "Drawn from memory. May not be to scale.

"My bike was stolen from my front lawn last week. It is a one-speed bike with a skull flag and a lightning bolt on it. The lightning bolt and flag may have been removed. This bike was brand new from the store. NO REWARD. I don't even want this bike back. I just made these fliers to tell you that I hate you, bike thief. I hope you ride my bike without a helmet and get hit by a monster truck. I hope my bike takes you straight to hell."

"FOUND. Male beagle found on corner of 14th and Pine. Approximately six months of age. Mostly brown with patches of white and black spots, slightly crooked tail. Blue collar but no tags. Very friendly. Tasted like chicken."

"LOST CAT. Reward if you find him and don't return him. Promised girlfriend I'd put up a sign. Cat's a total pain in the ass. Tears up furniture, craps everywhere. Call if you find him and want to keep him. Will pay $$$."

"MISSING DOG! $20 REWARD! $10 REWARD! His name is Eric and he's an idiot. That's probably why he's missing. His face is like a skillet. Also, I'm selling this drum I have for $20 if you're interested."

"WARNING -- LOST KILLER PUPPY. Don't be fooled. This puppy is vicious! He may approach you with a bouncy waddle and wagging tail. Yes, it is super cute, but IT IS A TRICK! When you reach down to pet him, he will bite your fingers off. He may snuzzle his pillow-soft fur against your leg -- this is a baiting technique! When your ears are hanging by a bloody strand of cartilage, don't say you weren't warned. He may walk around in a circle, then adorably plop down on his butt and lick his paw. You will be lured into taking a closer look and blam! You are missing your eye. He needs to be safe in his home with those trained to care for this blood-thirsty monster. Call XXX-XXXX right away!"

My favorite was the description written beneath a large, empty square that had been drawn on the page.

"MISSING. My imaginary friend Steve. Last seen March 21. Frequents discount sushi bars and polka raves. If you see him, tell him Vince is sorry about the ice cream and to come home."

Reach Karin Fuller via email at karinful...@gmail.com.