It's not actually the events that make us suffer; it's our story about the events that produces our suffering. So, when we find ourselves unhappy about something that's happened, it's important to question our story to see if it's true.

There are four simple questions, as explained in a technique called "The Work" by author Byron Katie, that have helped a lot of people. The Work consists of asking yourself four questions about any painful thought or belief:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know it's true?

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Then you apply a "turnaround" statement, a sentence expressing the reverse of your thought. Find three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true in your life, and you're on your way to creating more peace in your life and loosening the hold your story has on you.

There's actually a scientific explanation for the fact that we gravitate toward the negative in lots of cases.

Velcro vs. Teflon

In the days when cavemen were trying to survive, they had to pay more attention to potential threats than to positive events to avoid dangers like being eaten by a saber-toothed tiger.

Psychologists and scientists who study the brain point to the amygdala - the part of our brain's alarm system that triggers the fight-or-flight response. Negativity simply makes a greater impression on the brain since we're hardwired to pay more attention to the negative than the positive.

Dr. Rick Hanson, psychologist and brain researcher, says our brains are "Velcro for negativity and Teflon for positivity." Our negative experiences stick to us like Velcro, while our positive experiences slide right off us like Teflon.

You may have heard it takes numerous positive experiences to overcome a single negative one. Now you know why. Unfortunately, this wiring can wreak havoc on our happiness.

Consider the story of Bruce, whose life was turned upside-down when his wife asked him for a divorce, as relayed by Marci Shimoff, author of "Happiness for No Reason." Bruce's wife had met someone else and wanted out of their 20-year marriage.

"I went into a tailspin. I felt betrayed, rejected and unlovable. How could she do this to me? My despair began to color my job, my health - and everything in my life."

Bruce signed up for a seminar that helped him question the story he'd made up in his head about the events around him. He learned to use the four questions mentioned earlier, but he was so paralyzed by grief he couldn't get past his story.

Finally, Bruce asked himself, "What do I really think about this whole sorry mess?" The answer came quickly: "My wife should not be behaving this way. Her betrayal has caused me to lose my home and my family, and I can never be happy again."

At that moment Bruce explains he had just enough breathing room from the grip of his intense pain to ask, "Are those things true?" They felt true, but he dug deeper. "Can I absolutely know I won't ever be happy again?" Surprisingly, the answer was "no," and for a moment Bruce was stunned.

"I'd interrupted the endless loop of thought/pain/thought/pain that had been playing in my head," he said. "Without the constant drumbeat of the tragic thoughts, I felt quiet and calm."

Bruce felt temporary relief until he was overcome by the thought of his wife being with another man. "Can I absolutely know for sure she loves this guy more than she loves me? No, I can't."

"This thought had caused me to double over with pain, yet I couldn't be absolutely sure it was true - it was just the story I kept playing over and over in my mind. It floored me that one thought - how I answered this question - had the power to determine my happiness."

"It was an 'aha' moment. Everything clicked into place - my story about the situation appeared as powerful statements of fact in my head and caused knee-jerk responses of suffering. Yet when I investigated these 'statements of fact,' they were usually pretty flimsy."

Bruce told about the time he came across a favorite picture of himself and his wife. "As I looked at our smiling faces and thought of all the happy times we'd had together, I felt a wave of sadness. I stopped and asked myself, 'OK, what's the belief here? It was my old pattern, 'I'll never be happy again.'

"So I asked myself the all-important question: Could I really know that was true? Suddenly I laughed as I remembered the day the photo was taken. It hadn't all been roses; we'd been bickering off and on all afternoon. The truth was, I was happier the minute before I picked up that photo than I had been the day the photo was taken."

Bottom line: Thoughts come and go, and pain comes and goes. Bruce discovered that clinging to what he thought he wanted and needed was always based on a story about what had happened in the past - and it was a surefire recipe for suffering.

The next time you're faced with a situation that seems insurmountable, you may want to give the four questions a try.

As psychotherapist and Jesuit priest Anthony de Mello says, "There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them."

Linda Arnold is a certified wellness instructor and founder and chairwoman of The Arnold Agency, an integrated marketing communications firm in Charleston. Reader comments or questions may be mailed to Linda Arnold, The Arnold Agency, 117 Summers St., Charleston, WV 25301, or e-mail livinglifefu...@arnoldagency.com">livinglifefu...@arnoldagency.com.