CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Is it easy or hard for you to be direct with your communications? It may very well depend on how you're wired. Some of us are quick to speak what's on our minds. And some of us hold back. This might have to do with early childhood conditioning, or it might have to do with learned behaviors over the years.

What a simple concept -- saying what you mean and meaning what you say. In reality, though, it's much more difficult to pull off. If we lived in a vacuum, this would be a lot easier. It's that wildcard ingredient of other people in the mix that makes the difference.

And then there's the tone of voice -- and all that nonverbal communication going on. It's a wonder we're understood as much as we are! One person's direct approach might sound abrupt to another. Carefully considering the options might seem perfectly reasonable to one person, while it may be excruciating to someone else. Has anyone ever said to you, "Get to the point" or "Land the plane"?

Of course, the context of the conversation speaks volumes. You might be more direct with your family than you would be in a business setting. Or, there might be sensitivities within your family that cause you to choose your words carefully. If you're too direct in certain situations you can end up sticking your foot in your mouth. On the other hand, if you're not direct enough, you can send the wrong message.

I'm reminded of the time my husband, John, and I planned to meet my brother and aunt at a Chinese restaurant in Beckley. We arrived early (which, I'll admit, is unusual for me), went inside and got a table. After drinking a couple of pots of tea, waiting 45 minutes and calling my brother's phone repeatedly, we went ahead, ordered and ate. When we finally reached my brother later, he recounted a similar story in which he and my aunt had waited about half an hour as well -- and then gave up and went home.

I immediately jumped to the conclusion we had gone to the wrong restaurant. That was not the case. My brother and aunt had sat in the parking lot, waiting for us to arrive and never saw us. Little did they know we were already inside! Now we clarify that we'll meet either inside or outside the restaurant, as we chuckle about this past miscommunication.

Although this is an innocent story -- and only resulted in inconvenience -- there are many situations in which the circumstances of miscommunication can be much more dire.

Sometimes we sugarcoat our communications. While these kinds of messages are rooted in good intentions, they can end up doing more harm than good. According to corporate trainer Cookie Tuminello, beating around the bush doesn't serve any purpose.

"I like to call it verbal dancing," Tuminello says. "We dance around the subject we most want to discuss, thinking the other person will get what we are alluding to, and eventually we'll get what we want. Heaven forbid we rock the status quo by actually saying what we really want to! After all, how could we survive should that other person not like us after they find out what we really think? Here's a better question for you: How's that sugarcoating working for you?

"Every time you dance around an issue, you diminish your capacity and self-worth. You give away your power, your integrity and your dignity. Be direct -- and be taken seriously."

Here are two questions to ask yourself:

1. What is the price I pay for sugarcoating -- or bulldozing -- through my conversations?

2. Is that how I really want to spend my life?

Which reminds me of emotional exhaustion. While we're so busy thinking of different scenarios and different ways to respond in a conversation, we're not really present to what's taking place. Spinning our webs results in spinning our wheels, and pretty soon exhaustion sets in. Then again, there's the bulldozer approach, which isn't a helpful style either. We all know those people who can suck the air right out of a room.

Next time you're in a group setting notice the dynamics. We actually do this all the time on autopilot, taking in all the components of communication -- the words, the tone/attitude, nuances and body language.

According to Louann Brizendine, author of "The Male Brain" and "The Female Brain," men and women differ in the way they arrive at decisions. They might very well reach the same decision, although the male brain typically gets there in a more linear fashion, while the female brain is more circuitous in its path, taking more stimuli into consideration. Hence, the ongoing Mars/Venus challenges.

None of this is necessarily good, bad, right or wrong. It's just information to take into account whenever we feel misunderstood. Perhaps we need to be more direct -- or more tactful -- to get our points across. You may want to use the active listening approach and repeat back to someone, "So what I hear you saying is ..." to clarify the communication. I'd be careful about using this too much, though, since it can become monotonous.

And remember to keep it all in perspective. As Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel -- because those who mind don't matter; and those who matter don't mind."

Linda Arnold, MBA, is a certified wellness instructor and chairwoman/CEO of The Arnold Agency, a marketing communications firm specializing in advertising, public relations, government relations and interactive marketing. Reader comments may be directed to Linda Arnold, The Arnold Agency, 117 Summers St., Charleston, WV 25301, or e-mailed to livelifefu...@arnoldagency.com.