CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- This time of year we hear a lot about holiday "wish lists" -- if not directly from those around us, then certainly from the barrage of TV commercials and newspaper inserts.

So, I've been thinking more about wishes. As often happens when I'm getting ready to write this column, I'll hear something that results in an "a-ha moment" for me. This happened the other day when a wise friend reminded me of the proverb by the philosopher Philemon: "It is better to want what you have than to have what you want."

I believe it's healthy to set goals and to work to achieve them. I also know, from personal experience, that this can get out of hand -- and the focus becomes totally on the future. My mentor and cable television pioneer Bill Turner always guarded against this possibility by cautioning those around him to "stop striving and start arriving."

I fall somewhere in the middle along this continuum. While I think it's important to accomplish goals and to learn and grow, I also know the value of living in the present -- and not depending on some future event for my happiness.

How much time and energy do you spend wishing things were different? Most of us spend a lot of time thinking things will be better when ... we lose weight, make more money, get out of debt, have more free time, get married, get divorced, recover from an injury ...

Author Mike Robbins, points out that while the circumstances of our lives -- both positive and negative -- do have an impact on us, we always have a choice in how we relate to our circumstances and to ourselves. A big house, a great job, lots of money, a fit body, an incredible relationship or anything else we say we want, can't and won't make us happy if we don't choose to be.

In other words, to create authentic fulfillment in our lives, we have to learn how to want what we already have. This doesn't mean everything is perfect -- which is almost never the case -- or that we can't desire for things to evolve in a way we deem positive. It simply means we choose to accept what we have in our lives, right now, with a sense of gratitude and surrender.

Learn to make peace with life as it is. The passion, joy and fulfillment we experience doesn't come from life itself. It comes from within us -- and our ability to accept, appreciate and celebrate what we have in our lives.

Here are some great questions, compiled by Robbins, to ask yourself when dealing with some of your most difficult aspects -- the stuff you say you don't want:

By answering these questions, you can look more deeply at the challenges in your life and realize some things happen to propel our growth and expansion. Putting more attention on wanting what we already have, we can create a deep sense of peace and joy in our lives, which -- more than most specific outcomes or material possessions -- is what most of us truly want anyway.

In his book "How to Want What You Have," psychologist Tim Miller has come up with three principles to help break the habit of wanting more:

I found expansions of these principles on the website www.thebridgemaker.com. Living with compassion allows us to open up our hearts -- gaining the clarity to see what we have right before us.

Attention is a state of mindfulness that helps us soak in what's happening right now. There's no question there are many distractions vying for our attention. We can become lost in checking e-mail, watching television or decompressing from a stressful day. Over time, we find ourselves disconnected from what -- and who -- is most important to us. Slowly, we turn into a human doing and away from a human being.

We can take steps to reverse this tide, however. Pay closer attention to what's going on around you. Appreciate a hug, take in the wonder of nature, or make direct eye contact with those in conversations with you.

Gratitude isn't just a kind gesture. It's a state of mind and a way of life. What keeps most of us from showing gratitude is when we want more than what we have. To learn the power of gratitude, practice genuinely saying "thank you" more often. By blessing others with gratitude, something amazing happens: We become blessed too. In those blessings, we can find the peace to be grateful for what we have right now.

"Simply having a bunch of things is not the key to happiness," says psychologist Jeff Larsen, citing his research study in Psychological Science: "Our data shows you also need to appreciate those things you have."

Miller reminds us in his book that if we want to want what we have, we've got to work hard at it by developing new habits. Just think about the return on that investment though!

Linda Arnold, MBA, is a certified wellness instructor and chairwoman/CEO of The Arnold Agency, a marketing communications firm specializing in advertising, public relations, government relations and interactive marketing. Reader comments may be directed to Linda Arnold, The Arnold Agency, 117 Summers St., Charleston, WV 25301, or e-mailed to livelifefu...@arnoldagency.com.