CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Chances are you learned the Golden Rule while growing up: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So, what do you do when you follow the first part, and the second part doesn't happen?
Most likely you'll react in one of two ways:
Judge the other person as being rude, arrogant or lazy.
Take their behavior personally -- and wonder what you did to provoke it.
It's just human nature to jump to one of these conclusions. We've all done it most of our lives.
I'm trying out a third method, and I'll admit it takes some getting used to. My first inclination is to run to the old patterns. And then, if I catch myself, I'll shift gears.
You might have heard about my "PIP It" philosophy. The credit for the name goes to my niece, Caity. She uses it with her kids when she tells them to "PIP It" -- Put It Into Perspective.
It's a cute trigger and helps me to snap back sometimes (when I don't fall into the old patterns). And, while the philosophy is sound, a picture is worth a thousand words. So, I've tuned in to some life examples that illustrate the point, and I've done my best to summarize the stories:
A man is on a subway, with his four kids running wild. They're loud, disruptive and running up and down the aisles. The other riders are getting irritated and whispering to each other, while casting disapproving glances at the children and their father. To make things worse, the father is in a daze -- paying no attention to the unruly youngsters.
Finally, someone speaks up and says, "Just what are you going to do about those kids?" The voice jolts him, and he turns to look at the speaker and the other passengers. "I just don't know," he says, his eyes tearing up. "We just came from the hospital where their mother has died. I just don't know."
Talk about a "PIP It" moment. The other passengers immediately became sympathetic toward the man and his kids -- and felt ashamed of their earlier reactions.
CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Chances are you learned the Golden Rule while growing up: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So, what do you do when you follow the first part, and the second part doesn't happen?
Most likely you'll react in one of two ways:
Judge the other person as being rude, arrogant or lazy.Take their behavior personally -- and wonder what you did to provoke it.It's just human nature to jump to one of these conclusions. We've all done it most of our lives.
I'm trying out a third method, and I'll admit it takes some getting used to. My first inclination is to run to the old patterns. And then, if I catch myself, I'll shift gears.
You might have heard about my "PIP It" philosophy. The credit for the name goes to my niece, Caity. She uses it with her kids when she tells them to "PIP It" -- Put It Into Perspective.
It's a cute trigger and helps me to snap back sometimes (when I don't fall into the old patterns). And, while the philosophy is sound, a picture is worth a thousand words. So, I've tuned in to some life examples that illustrate the point, and I've done my best to summarize the stories:
A man is on a subway, with his four kids running wild. They're loud, disruptive and running up and down the aisles. The other riders are getting irritated and whispering to each other, while casting disapproving glances at the children and their father. To make things worse, the father is in a daze -- paying no attention to the unruly youngsters.Finally, someone speaks up and says, "Just what are you going to do about those kids?" The voice jolts him, and he turns to look at the speaker and the other passengers. "I just don't know," he says, his eyes tearing up. "We just came from the hospital where their mother has died. I just don't know."
Talk about a "PIP It" moment. The other passengers immediately became sympathetic toward the man and his kids -- and felt ashamed of their earlier reactions.
A clerk at the checkout counter of a long line at the supermarket is slow and has a bad attitude. The more anxious those in the line get, the more curt she gets. Her abruptness triggers like attitudes of those in line, and they begin to show signs of impatience and talk amongst themselves about how rude she is.One even mentions going to the store manager. The next person to reach the register, though, offers a few words of encouragement and says to the clerk, "I can see you're really having a stressful day -- with all the price checks, delays and cash register malfunctions. Just know everything's gonna be all right." With that, big tears started rolling down the cheeks of the clerk's face. She says, "My baby's in the hospital, and I'm so worried. Plus, my husband just got laid off -- and I don't know what we're going to do."
Another "PIP It" example.
A little boy goes to buy a puppy from a farmer, and the farmer asks his son to let the puppies out of their cage. Four bundles of fur start tumbling down the hill toward the boy. As they're jumping around him -- and he's trying to decide which of them to take home -- a fifth puppy finally emerges, struggling to make his way down the hill.The little boy shouts out, "That's the one for me." The farmer says, "No, you don't want that one, son. He has something wrong with his back leg, and he can't run very fast." The little boy pulled up the legs of his jeans to reveal steel braces on his legs. "He's perfect," the boy says. "You see, I can't run very fast, either; and I need a dog who understands."
Whew! It just goes to show that we never know what's behind another's behavior. And while there are, undoubtedly, many examples in which behavior seems inexcusable, and might very well be, it's not up to us to judge or condemn.
I realize certain situations obviously call for supervision -- parenting, managing, etc. I'm just suggesting it may help to take a step back or a deep breath before immediately jumping to conclusions, especially in random situations.
Even when we're somewhat familiar with the players and the circumstances, we can be caught off guard. I was puzzled a few years ago when a client became upset in a meeting for no apparent reason. I kept wondering over and over, "What did I do to upset her? Why did she act like that?" And then I began to feel slighted -- like I didn't deserve that kind of behavior.
I learned later that it had nothing to do with me. (This goes to the second pattern of normal reaction -- taking things personally.) As I reflected back, the meeting was on Dec. 23. And, when I learned that her husband had passed away earlier and this was her first Christmas without him, it made sense.
So, I'm not saying we all play the role of Pollyanna or act like doormats. I'm just suggesting we may want to give others the benefit of the doubt at times. If not for them, at least for our own peace of mind.
Because, as author Anaïs Nin said, "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."
Linda Arnold, MBA, is a certified wellness instructor and chairman/CEO of The Arnold Agency, a marketing communications firm specializing in advertising, public relations, government relations and interactive marketing. Reader comments are welcome and may be directed to Linda Arnold, The Arnold Agency, 117 Summers St., Charleston, WV 25301, or emailed to livelifef...@arnoldagency.com.
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