CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Several years ago, a friend's mother was killed in a head-on collision. I remember my heart aching for her. I wanted to help, but felt totally lost. What do you do or say when someone dies?

Unfortunately, many of us never consider this until we are blindsided. While etiquette in a time of loss is an uncomfortable subject, knowing the appropriate thing to do or say before faced with the death of a friend or family member can help alleviate some of the feelings of helplessness.

What do you do?

According to Mary Mitchell, author and founder of The Mitchell Organization, there is really only one thing you can do wrong, and that is to do nothing. It is not so much what you "say" but what you "do," Mitchell says.

The personal justification of saying (or thinking), "I was at a loss of what to do or say, so I didn't do anything," is no excuse. Most of the time the grieving don't remember exactly what is said, but they do remember those who made the effort and are likely grateful for any gesture. The overall guideline is to communicate in some way sympathy and support. If you don't, Mitchell adds, then it will not be easy for the grieving to overlook the fact that you ignored their personal tragedy and life-changing event.

What do you say?

Most etiquette experts believe that a handwritten note of condolence is preferred to a store-bought card. However, if you do send a card, include a personal message inside.

It is not necessary to write a note if you personally extend your sympathy during visitation. You should, however, send a note if you just signed the registry during the visitation and left without speaking with the bereaved.

If you know the bereaved well, then call them as soon as you find out the unfortunate news. Find out if you can offer any assistance -- such as child care, making phone calls, running any errands. But be prepared to be a good listener if they want to talk about their loss and to express their grief. Some etiquette experts advise against calling if you do not know the family well. It could be a bit intrusive to them. The bereaved then has the chore of participating in polite conversation (no doubt, the same conversation that they have probably had several times that day).

In her book "How to Say It: Choice Words, Phrases, Sentences and Paragraphs for Every Situation," Rosalie Maggio says the most common mistakes well-intentioned people make when expressing sympathy are glossing over what has happened; excessively dramatic language such as, "This is the worst tragedy I have ever heard"; or offering inappropriate advice such as:

"He (or she) is better off."

"Be happy for what you had."

"You can have another child."

"It is a blessing in disguise."

"He (or she) is out of his (or her) misery."

"This is nature's way."

"It was God's will."

"Death is a blessing."

"You can always remarry."

"At least you have another child."

"Be strong."

"It happened for the best."

"Something good will come of this."

"Move into an apartment."

"Leave town."

"Sell the stuff."

"Chin up."

Maggio indicates that the best thing to say is, "I am sorry, what can I do for you?" Mention advice the deceased might have given you, a virtue he or she had, or anything for which they will be remembered. Also, in most circumstances, it is inappropriate to ask the cause of death.

No matter how you express your sympathy, make sure you clearly identify yourself to the family. If you make a donation to charity in memory of the deceased, include your name so that the charity can send acknowledgement of the donation. Also, according to leading etiquette author Letitia Baldrige, this acknowledgement does not take the place of a personal thank-you note from the family.

Is an e-mail message OK?

In today's high-tech world, e-mails are becoming more accepted, and they do offer a way to immediately express sympathy. In fact, many e-mail addresses indicating where to send condolences are included in the obituaries published in this newspaper. However, while this may be acceptable, it should not take precedence over a handwritten note.

Visitation and/or funeral

The visitation or wake provides a time to pay respect to the deceased as well as provide support for the family. It also provides a time and a place to express sympathy to the bereaved instead of at an awkward time such as running into them at the grocery store or during other social events.

Expressions of sympathy can be a simple clasping of the survivor's hands, an embrace or a short statement of sorrow such as, "I am so sorry for your loss."

If you are an acquaintance of the deceased who might not have met the family, then introduce yourself and tell them how you know their loved one. For example, "My name is Jane Doe. We've never met, but I used to work with your mother years ago."

How long you stay is up to you. Unless you believe your presence is needed, visit 15 minutes or so, express your condolences to the family, sign the register and leave. Give your full name when you sign the registry book. For example, signing Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe is more appropriate than Biff and Buffy Doe. Some of the family members might not know you by your nicknames.

In general, you should follow the customs of the family, but don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or is against your own beliefs. If the casket is open, it is expected that you pass by to pay respects; however, if you feel uncomfortable going by the coffin, then don't. It is not mandatory. If you would like more information before attending a funeral of a different religion, Beleifnet.com offers a section on the spiritual and religious beliefs about death in various cultures.

Many parents struggle with deciding whether children should attend a visitation or funeral. Even young children have some knowledge of death. Regardless of the child's age, their maturity level and ability to understand and to deal with death is paramount. Most funeral directors can provide literature as well as additional information to help guide parents through this difficult decision.

Also, it is an honor to be asked to be a pallbearer. Therefore, if asked, make every attempt to comply.

When flowers are sent to the funeral home, someone usually removes the accompanying card after the ceremony and gives them to the family so they may acknowledge the tribute. It is a good idea to have a friend of the family collect these cards and write a brief description on the back of each so that a thank-you note can be written about the specific arrangement. Example, "Thank you for the beautiful display of red roses, they were Dad's favorite."

After the service

Don't forget the bereaved after the service. Keep in touch and check on them from time to time. Make a note on your calendar to call them a few days after the funeral just to check on them. Mark additional dates to touch base or to offer any assistance needed. Try to remember them on special occasions such as the deceased's birthday or wedding anniversary. While others go on with their life, the bereaved are left to think of their loss daily.

Family obligations

What are the responsibilities of the bereaved? The family should acknowledge gifts of food, flowers and donations made to charity. If a request of "no flowers" was ignored, they should still be acknowledged.

Don't forget those who provided personal services such as the funeral director, clergy and pallbearers.

According to Baldrige, if the funeral is large, acknowledgements may be made with a preprinted card. Still, personal services performed for the deceased or the bereaved should be personally recognized.

It is a good idea to keep a notepad beside the refrigerator to write down who sent food to the home of the bereaved so those people can be acknowledged after the funeral.

Finally, Baldrige recommends that if divorced at a time of mourning, a truce should be called on both sides of the family. Death supersedes all disagreements.

These are situations with lessons typically not taught until confronted with tragedy.

While this is not a pleasant topic, it is a part of the circle of life. The death of a family member or friend is extremely difficult. Knowing some form of decorum may offer a bit of helpfulness in the time of loss.

Pam Harvit, MS, is a certified corporate etiquette and protocol consultant. She is employed by Merck and Co. and lives in Charleston. E-mail her at phar...@suddenlink.net.