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Smell the Coffee: One-liners saved for just this occasion

CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- My day job just required a 2 1/2-hour drive, followed by meetings, followed by proofreading several pages of tiny print, then another 2 1/2-hour drive. The only creative juices that remain within me couldn't quench a premature infant mosquito, so please forgive me for taking a somewhat easy way out by sharing some funny sayings I've been collecting.

The reason I've saved these is because they hit so close to home and I figured that, once I had enough, I could string them together instead of actually writing an autobiography. (There were no sources to attribute beyond Facebook or Pinterest.)

"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."

"I'm afraid I can't go. I've already taken off my bra, so I'm in for the night."

"I'm going to let these pans soak. Otherwise known as, 'I don't feel like doing the dishes.'"

"Home is where I can look and feel ugly. And enjoy it."

"I hate it when people say, 'She's nice once you get to know her.' What they're really saying is, 'She's a bitch, but you'll get used to it.'"

"In nine months we'll be experiencing a population boom known as the Shades of Grey Babies."

"Some people should use glue stick instead of Chap Stick."

"Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin."

"Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a cupcake because you're on a diet."

"Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first."

"Dear Karma. I have a list of people you missed."

"No. 1 Rule in Arguments: If you're losing, start correcting their grammar."

"Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what the heck is wrong with you."

"He said his ex was the craziest woman he ever met. I said, 'Challenge accepted.'"

"If you've never jumped from one couch to another to avoid the lava, you've never had a childhood."

"There are no limits to what you can accomplish if you are supposed to be doing something else."

"Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

"Dear Life. When I said, 'Life could not get any worse,' it was not a challenge."

"You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of."

"I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."

"Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it."

"You made me laugh so hard tears ran down my leg."

"I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school."

Hopefully, my schedule should return to normal in another week or two. But until then, I'll try to be creative even if I'm still thoroughly exhaustipated.

Which means I'm simply too tired to give a crap.

Reach Karin Fuller at karinfuller@gmail.com.


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