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Steelhammer: Early voting equals early election relief

You can stop with the robo-calls, the mailbox fliers, the hand waving and placard wagging at the stoplight, and the endless stream of negative ads on TV.

Any and all attempts to influence registered voters at the Steelhammer Compound are now officially futile. Its people have spoken, having taken advantage of Kanawha County's early voting system several days ago.

The quick and easy early voting process allowed us to leave months of high-profile acrimony behind in less than five minutes.

 The only way I think the early voting process could be improved would be to equip polling stations with "do not call" registries to end further politician-generated phone pitches.

During the next election cycle, the Secretary of State's Office may want to consider saluting West Virginia's rich polling history while celebrating the end of another season of take-no-prisoners politicking by handing out traditional half-pints of bourbon to stressed-out voters of all persuasions.

I now look forward to watching television spots no more irritating and offensive than those featuring Mr. Mucus and his pleghm-boyant green friends touting the virtues of Musinex, instead of the never-ending series of snotty negative political ads.

It's hard for me to imagine anyone still being undecided over who to vote for in the presidential race, given blanket media campaign coverage and record spending on advertising -- unless you happen to be into Australian Rules political posturing, like West Virginia's governor, junior U.S. senator and lone Democratic congressman. 

I suspect most of the rest of us have had our minds made up for months on the major races.

In key battleground states, like our neighbor to the north, political candidates' field representatives seek out undecided voters like bloodhounds search for prison escapees.

Here's what I suspect the profile of a voter, still undecided one week from the election, would look like:

  • Due to lack of decision-making skills, prefers both coffee and beer to be served lukewarm. Preferred coffee additive:  Half and half.
  • Drives a mid-sized car.
  • Prefers sweet and sour to hot and spicy.
  • Still uncertain about O.J.'s guilt or climate change's validity.
  • Lives in the Midwest. If a city dweller, lives in the midtown area.
  • Favorite expression:  "On the other hand...."
  • Longs to live in a purple state.

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