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Rick Steelhammer: Hello again, cruel world

CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- Being a skeptic, I missed out on all the fun and excitement of hoarding supplies and planning how to keep them out of the hands of my neighbors during the Y2K meltdown that failed to materialize.

Since I wasn't entirely convinced that the end of the 13th 5,125-year cycle of the Mayan long-count calendar would bring about the end of the world as we know it, I missed out on the liberating chance to say goodbye to all that is wrong with humanity and party like it was 1999 -- or, to the Mayans, 66625.

But I couldn't help imagining what my life might have been like had I bought in to the latest end-of-time scenario. And when Dec. 21, 2012, rolled around, there would have been hell to pay -- and an extensive to-do list to make things right. Below is what my list might have looked like. And before I get sidetracked, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everyone!

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Things to do the day after the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse fails to materialize:

  • Call Rent-A-Center and arrange pickup of 60-inch plasma TV, generator, ATV and living room suite for bunker.
  • Release Trump from human sacrifice ready room.
  • Drive Escalade back to Hertz.
  • Get to office early to intercept heartfelt critique sent to boss.
  • Resume membership in Weight Watchers and Nautilus.
  • Put Mayan headdress and agate dagger on eBay.
  • Stop payment on check to Doomsday Supplies; return MRE cache.
  • Drain moat around compound.
  • Return all 155 how-to books "borrowed" from library.
  • Cancel $5,000 Public Radio challenge pledge.
  • Make appointment to start laser treatments on condor chest tattoo.
  • Sell gold bullion stash to restore 401(k) fund.
  • Recalculate Mayan Long Count Calendar to see if its Dec. 21 aligns with our April 1.
  • Start Christmas shopping.
  • Write another damn Sunday column.
  • Reach Rick Steelhammer at rsteelhammer@wvgazette.com or 304-348-5169.


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