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Steelhammer: Creating modern Christmas classics

CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- While we may be entering the most wonderful time of the year, my bell's already getting a bit jingled by the premature and nearly constant flow of Christmas music that has been streaming through speakers in cars, malls, drugstores, bank lobbies and supermarkets in recent weeks.

As with any other genre of music, there are some Christmas songs I like more than others. The songs I do like, I like less after hearing them repeated multiple times in the course of a day.

Part of the problem is that there are a limited number of Christmas songs to play, since new recording artists tend to produce their own versions of old standards, rather than risk releasing original Christmas tunes that may not be well received by a tradition-loving audience. Many of the few original songs that do make it onto Christmas music play lists are short-lived and quickly forgotten.

I can only imagine the kinds of Christmas songs that don't make the final cut. In keeping with that thought, here's my list of what could be the:

Least Inspirational Christmas songs of 2013:

  • "Ave Korea" by the Pyongyang People's Chorus
  • "Jingle Bell Twerk" by Miley Cyrus
  • "Little Plumber Boy" by Pipefitters and Joiners Local 12 Show Choir
  • "Grandma Got Run Over by a Train, Dear" by the Old 97s
  • "Frosty the Con Man" by Pat Boone
  • "Away on a Bender" by George Jones
  • "We Three Klingons" by William Shatner
  • "I Saw Mommy Kissing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford" by Joni Mitchell
  • "Oh, Come All Ye Tasteful" by the Martha Stewart Singers
  • "Do You Fear What I Fear?" by Glen Beck
  • "Frosty the Tow Man" by the Buffalo AAA Road Service Singers
  • "Away With a Stranger" by Madonna
  • "Dreck the Malls" by the Chipmunks
  • "Police Navidad" by Jose Feliciano


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