I am a control freak. I openly admit that. I want to be in control of every situation which may arise in my life.
I accepted Christ into my heart at the tender age of twelve. What this means for me is that, for the past 41 years, I have tried to "let go, and let God," as the popular saying goes. And admittedly, I have met with varying levels of success.
I prefer to control the small, everyday headaches that are a part of life. I don't really understand why this is. If I overdraw my bank account, I take action on my own. When I feel hurt because of something a friend has done, I jump in to make the situation all right again. In fact, I very seldom think of asking for God's help with the mundane.
It's when the huge storms of life hit that I tend to relinquish control to God. My family has recently gone through a couple of situations, which threatened to totally overwhelm me. These situations I quickly and voluntarily handed over to Him.
On second thought, why should this surprise me? I have been independent and responsible for my own life and well-being for the past twenty-plus years. I have had to learn to handle things on my own. I am proud of my hard-won independence -- yet I believe this is where my reliance on God's mercy has taken a hit. Could pride be at the root of the problem?
As a single woman, I have had to get my car serviced ... I have been responsible for paying all my bills ... I was a single mom. I have to do my own cooking and cleaning; feed the animals; go to work every day and ... well, you get the point. No wonder I began to feel I could do it on my own!! Somewhere along the line I forgot to include God in my daily activities.
At some point I began forgetting to say, "Thank You, Lord" at the end of a long day. Yet at no point did He forget about me. His blessings still continued to rain down on me. I could never begin to thank Him for everything He has done for me, or has given me. I am like the selfish child who, when her parents buy her the doll she wants, grabs it and runs away without a word of thanks.
Lately my thoughts have been turning more and more back toward God. Perhaps it's related to getting older and realizing my own mortality. Or maybe it's due to the influence of a dear friend. What is important is that I am finally beginning to relinquish some of that so-called "control" over my own life, and turning it all over to God.
As I have for the past 41 years, I continue meeting with varying degrees of success. But, like Ezekiel in the Old Testament, I am finally listening once again to that still, small voice. I must remind myself constantly Who is in control in this relationship -- and it's not me. Difficult? Definitely. But with His help and unfailing love for me, our relationship is finally once again on the path to where it should be.