THE TEAM OF Destiny program - the most revered prognostication system in NFL history - is broken. The last few seasons, I've stunk up the joint more than I've wowed the masses; frankly, if I told you the sun set in the West, you should bet your government-subsidized farm on it setting in the East, or maybe not setting at all.
Ah, but how quickly things can change, like a Rex Grossman pass en route to being picked.
Usually, I find a doormat franchise and pronounce it improbably Super Bowl-bound. But this year is different. Instead, I have found not just one, but two traditional winning teams which - hidden in plain sight, as it were - are destined to meet in Super Bowl 47.
Yes, these are solid teams, but no one expects either to make it to the February finale. I know otherwise - for I am Couch Slouch, a post-modern Newtonian/Euclidean/Keynesian NFL savant with a beanbag-infused brilliance not seen since Theo van Gogh shepherded brother Vincent through the political minefield of Western European art dealers.
Ladies and gentlemen - and Rex Ryan, if you're reading - I give you the Denver Broncos vs. the New Orleans Saints.
Mock me if you will - heck, I wake up most mornings and hear the mocking before I have one foot out of the Murphy bed - but I'll take my chances on Peyton Manning and Drew Brees against the field.
You don't think Peyton is motivated this season?
He got dumped by the franchise he lifted out of the doldrums in favor of a better-educated, better-looking young stud. He's been written off because of a serious neck injury that would reduce most mortals to throwing popcorn in the stands rather than taking hits on the field. And he's been eclipsed by younger brother Eli, who now has twice as many Super Bowl rings.
I have nothing against Eli Manning - he's crafted a really nice career and grown into a clutch performer under the bright lights amidst the swampy marshes of New Jersey - but I am tired of hearing this notion that he's a superior signal-caller to his big brother.
If Super Bowl rings are our only measuring stick, then Trent Dilfer was a better quarterback than Dan Fouts.
Has Peyton been mediocre in the postseason? Absolutely. But Eli's Giants also have had greater defenses than Peyton's Colts, and Peyton's never had a run-of-a-mill receiver make a once-in-a-lifetime catch off the top of his helmet while falling to the turf.
Plus watch all the games, people: Peyton operates with the precision of a heart surgeon; Eli is more of a traffic cop wandering around looking for expired meters.
Peyton and his Broncos are Super Bowl-bound this season.
Down in New Orleans, Bountygate has gutted the scorned Saints, leaving the team coach-less, general manager-less, linebacker-less and, supposedly, soulless.