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'Fifty Shades of Greyhound' and other tales from the Dog Show

By Norman Chad

SANDWICHED BETWEEN THE Super Bowl and the NBA All-Star game, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is America's hidden sporting gem: Better athletes, fewer tattoos. The motto is, "Win or go home," and, of course, you go home with your tail between your legs. Once again, intrepid Siberian Husky Chuchi's Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York:

Wednesday: Spent most of the offseason trying to get the Fire Hydrant Preservation Act passed by Congress ... I didn't care who won the Puppy Bowl. I just like the commercials ... I've been coming here a long time and it just struck me: Is Michael Bloomberg mayor for life? ... Best thing about the Virgin America cargo hold: In-kennel TVs! ... Also, I never get tired of looking at dog furniture in the Sky Mall catalog ... The U.S. Postal Service is ending Saturday delivery? Who am I supposed to bark at?

Thursday: After winning Best in Show last year, that Pekingese went all diva - lunching at Sardi's, riding business class on Amtrak ... I'm a Westminster purist, but I'd agree to limited use of instant replay in group judging ... Can't believe so many humans fell for that Mayan apocalypse deal. It never passed the sniff test ... All my lady friends here seem to be reading "Fifty Shades of Greyhound" ... My owner told me to "Play dead!" the other day; I told him, "You first!" ... Great thing about being a dog? It's never "flu season" for us.

Friday: Here's a "Stupid Human Trick" for David Letterman - try watching 10 minutes of Jimmy Kimmel ... Just overheard a greyhound ask where to sign in for the Millrose Games ... My dad used to poop, then pee. Me? I like to pee, then poop ... I think the North Koreans are trying to launch rockets with one of those plastic tennis ball chuckers ... I had a dream the other night that I bit a Doberman Pinscher and got away with it ... Madison Square Garden concessions are a joke - $9.50 for one Milk-Bone?

Saturday: You can't walk five feet here without tripping over a Standard Poodle doing a Sudoku puzzle ... This week is also Fashion Week in NYC, which makes it impossible to find a Diet Coke ... Saw Clint Eastwood walking one of those "invisible dog" leashes ... Nothing beats the Big Apple: Today I found three Chinese delivery menus under my crate door ... If this is the greatest dog show on Earth, how come we can't get heated stalls? ... I feel really stupid wearing this BARKSTRONG bracelet.

Sunday: Puppy love: When I was 10 months old, I had a crush on Beethoven in "Beethoven" ... We always joke that if you go to Hell, there's no one to pick up your crap ... Yesterday, I snuck a 5-Hour Energy into the Chihuahua's water bowl. Talk about jumpy ... All the buzz around the stalls is about the upcoming Rin Tin Tin biopic, "Eat Poop Sleep" ... Due to excessive tweeting by the Toy Group, all in-ring Twitter banned this year ... As a rule, I avoid any dog that lines his kennel with the Wall Street Journal.

Monday: Ya gotta love New York fans - there's a guy in a Jets jersey and fireman's hat leading cheers, going "C-H-O-W, Chow! Chow! Chow!" ... Yo, PETA, you should first worry about the ethical treatment of people ... Movie trivia: The house in "Home Alone" had a doggie door, but we never saw a dog ... I hate the treadmill here at the spa - too many muddy paw prints left behind ... I've been chewing on deer antlers for years and still can't run down a lame squirrel ... Those Pomeranians are so cliquish.

Tuesday: Harbaugh, schmarbaugh. I remember when the Bearded Collie brothers competed for Best in Breed, and they didn't even know they were related ... I swear the Sporting Group judge was an NFL replacement referee ... I thank my lucky stars every day that Donald Trump has never invested in doghouses ... Seeing Spike Lee ringside in a Knicks jersey always puts me on tilt ... I signed a petition this morning to prevent Jay-Z from moving the show to Brooklyn in 2014 ... I don't want to sit and I don't want to stay; I want to rock 'n roll.

Ask The Slouch

Q. What's your favorite Las Vegas tale? (Tom Richter; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Howard Hughes moved into the penthouse of the Desert Inn Thanksgiving week in 1966; when he overstayed his reservation and was asked to leave, he bought the hotel. P.S. I believe Mickey Rourke did this once at a Super 8.

Q. If New Jersey legalizes online poker, are you Hackensack-bound? (Ryan Nichols; Beaumont, Tex.)

A. (1) I prefer playing live poker. (2) Bagels are New Jersey's best chance of luring me.

Q. Did any of your ex-wives have any "tells" you'd like to share with us? (Stan Cavendish; Charleston, W.Va.)

A. Yeah - when they left with luggage, they weren't coming back.

Q. Card sharks don't consider poker "gambling" because they have an edge and will win in the long run. Do you also not consider it gambling because you know you're going to lose every time? (Jon Weinstein; Pittsburgh)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


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