I'VE ALREADY BROKEN the only New Year's resolution I made: Respect the NHL. Heck, I broke it less than 24 hours into the New Year watching the annual Winter Classic go to a shootout.
What is this, an arcade game?
Okay, let's review all the aspects of the NHL I cannot abide:
Uh, if the commissioner himself cannot keep his eyes open on site watching the defending champions, what are our chances of staying awake at home?
Now, I'll give Bettman the benefit of the doubt and assume he fell asleep during one of the intermissions; fans sitting nearby probably thought it would be rude to awaken a napping power player.
(Column Intermission I: Odds I will be watching the first Pro Bowl draft on NFL Network Jan. 22 - 1 in 7.2 trillion. Odds the world will explode due to NFL Network Pro Bowl draft hot air on Jan. 22 - 1 in 7,200.)
Two intermissions? That's one too many; everything in sports already takes too long. The NHL needs to shift from three 20-minute periods to two 30-minute halves.
Who among us doesn't prefer two acts to three acts? Spike Lee always has third-act problems. He doesn't know how to end his movies - see "Jungle Fever."
Tragically, Shakespeare plays were five acts. Five acts! Some, I believe - "King Lear," for example - were five acts and a shootout. Trust me, there often was a beeline for the exits after the second or third act of "The Taming of the Shrew" and "Hamlet."
(Column Intermission II: Springbrook High boys basketball is now 9-1 in what could be a title-season-in-progress. Here are the principals - the sublime Robinson twins, Andrew and Aaron; point guard Tavon Ngangum; East Carolina-bound-on-a-football-scholarship Alex Evans; and, of course, Stepson of Destiny Isaiah Eisendorf, joined by jumpin' jack super-sub Jermaine Ukaegbu. The coach is sage Tom Crowell, two-time Mid-Atlantic Curmudgeon of the Year.)