(P.S. I know some of you are thinking: If the NHL shouldn't have two intermissions, how come you can have two? My column, my rules. Plus my intermissions take maybe 10 seconds.)
The NHL used to award teams two points for a victory and one point for a tie; they eliminated ties in 2005, and now it's two points for a victory, one point for an overtime/shootout loss and no points for a loss in regulation. Theoretically, you could lose all 82 games in overtime, make the playoffs with 82 points and capture the Stanley Cup after going winless in the regular season.
Folks, I don't care if you lose 9-0 or 1-0 or in a shootout or by court order, you shouldn't be rewarded for the quality of the defeat. What is this, the BCS? All wins are wins and all losses are losses - I believe Archimedes first said this - and we shouldn't be weighing results on some sliding scale.
But if you're going to do it that way, I have run a complex metric through my abacus and determined that teams should get 2.75 points for a win in regulation, 2.33 points for an overtime win, 0.92 points for an OT loss on the road and 0.78 points for an OT loss at home.
All this two-intermission and overtime stuff reminds me of the reason I love air hockey: There's a time limit. You pay your 50 cents, and three minutes later, you have a winner. And if there's a tie, you just live with it. NO SHOOTOUTS.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Starting to tire of the "not in our house" spiel by home-team players before every game - was wondering if you ever heard that speech from current or former wives? (Bob Whitson; Greenwood, Ind.)
A. You've assumed, somewhat incorrectly, that any of my current or former wives ever spoke to me.
Q. Looking at Andrew Bynum's body of work, can you explain the fact that eight NBA teams contacted the never-ready-to-play center after he was cut by the Bulls last week? (Dana Byrne; Houston)
A. Keanu Reeves still gets acting work, no?
Q. Here's a layup for you, Slouch: How do you view sportswriter Dan Le Batard giving away his Baseball Hall of Fame vote to an eight-letter Web site? (Dave Erickson; Charleston)
A. Highly questionable.
Q. Did the Rooney Rule require that the Redskins interview at least one Native American for their head coaching position? (Neil Shawen; Falls Church, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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