CONTRARY TO what I might have tweeted, I haven't bought my popcorn for the latest, most humorous, round of conference realignment.
Actually, I lean toward Chex mix. And today, I'll take that with a 2,000-calorie chunk of birthday cake.
For today, I'm feeling youthful, fat and happy. The developments of the last few weeks have registered on the comedy meter somewhere between the "Gangnam Style" video and A&E's "Duck Dynasty."
I'm not sure where to start, but here's the rundown:
That's an intersection of Louisiana Tech finally entering C-USA, Holtz going 5-16 in three seasons of Big East league play at South Florida and Sonny Dykes leaving for California.
I had missed Holtz, the most entertaining football coach in C-USA. Back when the league actually operated a weekly teleconference, the then-East Carolina leader was first up, preceding Marshall's Mark Snyder. Snyder was always punctual on joining the call, which meant he endured the last 10 minutes of Holtz's yarns.
(Which Snyder took in stride. As you'll recall, he landed at USF after his resignation at Marshall, serving as Holtz's defensive coordinator for two years before moving on to Texas A&M and conquering Alabama.)
Taking over at ECU the same year Snyder took the Marshall job, Holtz led the Pirates out of a 3-21 abyss in 2003-04 to C-USA championships in 2008 and 2009. He represents a good "name" hire for Tech athletic director Bruce Van De Velde, who botched bowl negotiations so badly his 8-4, 618-point Bulldogs are staying home.
(Don't worry, Bruce. Conference USA does one great thing for its members: It takes care of bowl logistics. Finances, too. You may be sentenced to a Christmas week in Detroit, but you'll persevere.)
The question is this: Can Holtz, whose Pirates were more defense-oriented, thrive at a program that just scored "half a hunny" eight times?
I say he will. We'll have to see who he brings in as offensive coordinator, but keep this in mind: The Bulldogs lose quarterback Colby Cameron and seven other starters on that side. If you must tweak the attack, this isn't a bad time.
It was just last December when the folks at Central Florida were dancing in the aisles over being accepted into the altar of the prestigious Big East.
Was there any doubt the head basketball coach at UCF had visions dancing in his head of butting heads with Rick Pitino and Jim Boeheim, of welcoming the likes of Georgetown, Syracuse and Villanova to campus? Do you think he had those visions about the time his last Marshall team struggled against two Southern Conference teams in the CIT? (Yes.)
The folks in Orlando were giddy over joining a so-called Bowl Championship Series conference. Shoot, they were excited that South Florida president Judy Genshaft recognized their right to exist.
Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi declared at the time, "The big time is here."
Last week, as the seven Catholic, basketball-oriented programs announced they were bailing out, Bianchi sang a different tune: "The Big East is about to become the Big Deceased, and the Knights should not pay a dime - let alone millions of dollars - to join a league that is really no better than the one they are leaving."
It took until February for the Big East to swallow hard and let Memphis into the house, cruddy football program and all. The school trumpeted its reunion with former C-USA rivals Louisville, Cincinnati, DePaul and Marquette.
Commercial Appeal columnist Geoff Calkins asked, "Why is this a fabulous day? Let us count the ways."
I'll just list the better ones:
1. The return of the Memphis-Louisville rivalry.