Walk into a New York sports bar and tell the most sophisticated fans in the world they're not that sophisticated.
Find an old-fashioned phone booth, stick a dime into the pay phone and call my mother to let her know I love her.
Be a consultant.
Go to Walden Pond, and rather than meditate, order the biggest cable TV package ever at Walden Pond, including all regional sports networks and The Sundance Channel.
Drink a PBR for breakfast without feeling guilty.
Go on "Charlie Rose" under the condition that his questions can be no longer than my answers.
Teach my dog Sapphire to fetch the morning newspaper before there's no longer a morning newspaper.
See Blake Griffin dunk over an active volcano.
Press a crosswalk signal that makes the signal turn to "WALK" within five seconds.
Remake "Field of Dreams," only this time the voice whispers, "If Donald Trump builds it, no one will come (not to mention it probably will go bust before it gets built)."
Survive this presidential election season.
Shift my column to Twitter, reducing my weekly writing load from 800 words to 140 characters.
Bowl a 299 game.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Which lasts longer, Standard Time or Tebow Time? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. Actually, I think Tebow Time is similar to the swallows of San Juan Capistrano - everyone awaits their arrival, then no one ever thinks about them the rest of the year.
Q. I watched the entire World Series of Poker Main Event final table telecast - Lon McEachern and Antonio Esfandiari are intelligent, well-spoken and telegenic poker analysts. What do you bring to the table? (J.B. Koch; Waukesha, Wis.)
A. The underbelly of the human condition.
Q. Now that David Stern is retiring, will Gary Bettman realize his life's dream of merging the four major sports into a single corporate collective and locking out all the players with one stroke? (Glenn Springstead; Columbia, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 AskThe Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslo...@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!