TODAY WE PRESENT Part Three of Couch Slouch's two-part series on the folly of college football. Well, I guess it's a sequel to my two-part series earlier this fall - I just hope it ends better than "The Godfather Part III."
Have you noticed the rate of criminal activity among football student-athletes of late? In recent years, you're more likely to find these fellows in a courtroom than a weight room.
Actually, sometimes they're in the courtroom for stealing something from the weight room.
I'm willing to wager that if you took the average Pac-12 or Southeastern Conference football program and you took the average group of molecular biology majors at one of those schools, the rate of arrests would be higher per capita for the undergraduates in helmets and pads.
Just last week, an Appalachian State wide receiver, Sean Price, was arrested in Boone, N.C., charged with felony assault.
Then again, Appalachian State is making the step up from Football Championship Subdivision to Football Bowl Subdivision in 2014, so in anticipation of the move to a prime-time program, it makes sense that one of the team's stars would have a run-in with the law.
In all fairness, I must point out that Appalachian State coach Scott Satterfield, rather than suspend Price for the requisite game - or, in the case of Texas A&M, the requisite half - dismissed him from the team.
Elsewhere last week, Oklahoma wide receiver Trey Metoyer was charged with felony indecent exposure and suspended indefinitely from the team.
To keep up with all Division I criminal malfeasance, I click on ArrestNation.com,* a treasure trove of college-sports police activity, sort of the Encyclopedia Britannica of athletic arrests.
*Sometimes I make up stuff for the column; I'm not making this up. Heck, if there is a website dedicated to the evolution of toilets, why wouldn't there be one dedicated to fullbacks-turned-felons?
(Column Intermission: Yes, you can say "Kansas City Chiefs" and "Team of Destiny" in the same breath. How do I do it? I have clarity of vision seldom seen in a man with failed Lasik surgery. Some of you may recall one of my Teams of Destiny, the 1999 Indianapolis Colts, went from 3-13 to 13-3, so why can't the cuddly Chiefs go from 2-14 to, say, 14-2?)
I also have an app on my smartphone that notifies me every time a college athlete is in custody** - boy oh boy, that sound alert goes off so often, I had to switch it to vibrate to avoid interrupting business calls and big games.
**Okay, this one I'm making up.
Now, I'd like to provide readers with a complete list of NCAA - and NFL - arrests this year, but due to space considerations and environmental concerns, I cannot.
But let me give a special shout-out to Washington State, which, since January, has had players arrested for a DUI, for underage possession of alcohol, for public intoxication and third-degree theft, for assault and battery and for a hit-and-run, plus another cited for providing police with a false name and birthdate.