Horace Greeley once said, "Go west, young man." Why? Because that's where all the good stuff is.
(Of course, he didn't mention higher taxes if you happen to end up in California.)
Indeed, at the moment there is a stunning continental divide in the NHL and the NBA - most of the good teams are in the West, most of the not-so-good teams are in the East. I'll deal with this in detail shortly, but first let's talk about this East-West fissure.
Couch Slouch is uniquely qualified to do this.
I have lived 61 percent of my life on the East Coast and 39 percent of it on the West Coast; I have not lived a nanosecond in the Midwest - the people there are a little too nice for my tastes and I don't like prime time starting at 7 p.m.
(More specifically, I have resided my entire life in two dysfunctional cities: Washington, D.C., where everyone is more important than you are, and Los Angeles, where everyone acts as if they're more important than you are.)
Quite simply, almost everything out West is better than everything back East. This is inarguable, indisputable and incontrovertible.
Here's a smattering of West-beats-East categories:
(The one East-West exception: The mighty Mississippi slays the Colorado River. And New York's Hudson River crushes the Los Angeles River. Heck, rainwater dripping down a windowpane crushes the L.A. River.)
Okay, let's turn our East-West attention to sports.
I'll deal first with the NHL - just briefly, because my relationship with the league is rather estranged - and its geographical imbalance.
Only six of the NHL's 16 Eastern Conference teams have won more than half of its games this season; only four of the 14 Western teams have won less than half of their games. At one point last month, the No. 8 seed in the West had a better record than the No. 1 seed in the East.
In fact, you could drop the Eastern Conference's entire Metropolitan Division into Madagascar and it would easily produce the worst hockey ever played on the island.